January, 2010
But Wait! There's More!
Johnathan Lott
We were all sobered last summer by the tragic passing of pitchman extraordinaire Billy Mays.
It's a shame he couldn't be around to make the pitch for the Democratic health reform proposals.
“Hi, Billy Mays here to tell you that the Obama health plan is here, it's ready, and with or without your approval it's going to happen!”
If the Democrats were going to legitimately sell their health plan “product” to the American people, they would need nothing short of Billy Mays's booming baritone and over exaggerated hand gestures to get people to buy it.
As it stands, though, they have made no attempt to put on an infomercial for the proposal, or even the 2-minute snippet that airs in between “Judge Judy” and “Days of our Lives” that made OrangeGlo famous.
Plans to bring the health care plan to the public have been limited to closed-door negotiations, carnivals of left-leaning lobbyists, and a free ABC special in which Obama defied all conceivable odds by talking for two hours while saying absolutely nothing. (This impossible feat lends further proof to the notion that our president is, in fact, the Messiah).
The gigs that made Mays a house hold name carried on no such shenanigans. They got to the bottom of the product and explored every detail that could possibly be covered in just a half hour. The Mays pitch would continue in his recognizable style.
“That's right, with this plan you'll get a mandate to buy insurance, so if you don't have insurance, or even want insurance, you'll have no choice but get it!
“The government will even step in and provide its own, taxpayer-subsidized option to directly compete with private insurers. This will probably drive private insurers out of business so that you won't have any choice in provider options at all, but neither will anyone else!
“And you can get all of this for just the low, low, one-time payment of $1.6 trillion dollars! That's right, the Congressional Budget Office scored the bill, so you know won't be paying a penny less! “To fund this, besides just borrowing from the Chinese like we always do, Congress is going to raise your taxes! They're going to tax your health care premiums just like Obama said he wasn't going to do in the campaign, raise taxes for people who already pay the most taxes, and make substantial cuts in Medicare payments to doctors and hospitals!
“BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!
“No government plan would be complete without the sweet stench of hypocrisy! That's right, if you're a union member whose dues went to fund the Obama campaign, all of your health care benefits will be exempt from taxation!”
“And of course, members of Congress are exempt from taxation. After all, it doesn't make any sense at all to tax the people who make our laws!”
“And if you call right now, we'll even include mounting pressure from the Democratic Party leadership for Congressmen to vote for the bill!”
“You get all this, plus the unintended consequences of government involvement in the private sector, mounting public deficit, and crowding of private firms! Here's how to order…”
We bought a lot of useless crap because Billy Mays endorsed it. It he could endorse ObamaCare, we might actually buy that, too.