November, 2007
Humor
By David Polakoff
News Media or Entertainment?
The media today spends nearly half its time covering the lives and concerns of Hollywood celebrities. Fear not! The Florida Frontier can gossip too...Marceau Passes Away
On September 22nd, world-famous French mime Marcel Marceau passed away at the age of 84. In memory of Marceau, mimes the world over held a moment of noise upon hearing the news.
Gore Wins Peace Prize
Former vice president Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize on Friday, October 12th, sharing the prize with the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. When asked why Gore’s work on global warming earned him a peace prize as opposed to a different Nobel prize, a spokesperson for the Nobel Committee said, “He’s made everyone in the world agree that they want him to shut up already.”
Snoop Dogg Gets Community Service
Rapper Snoop Dogg was slapped with a sentence of 160 hours of community service on October 10th after being found guilty of carrying an illegal weapon at an airport last year. The recording artist will do “everything from raking leaves to painting benches,” according to his attorney, Donald Etra. The sentencing judge suggested that the best community service Snoop Dogg could offer would be 160 hours in which his music wasn’t played.
Competetive Eater Sets Another Record
Joey Chestnut, a 23-year-old competitive eater who already owns the world records for hot dogs, chicken wings, pulled pork, and ribs eaten, set another world record on October 28th when he ate 103 Krystal mini burgers in 8 minutes. In a related story, animals hate Joey Chestnut.
The Frontier Awards
The Belch of the Month Award goes to Frederick Cronin of Stratham, New Hampshire. Cronin was arrested for drunk driving on June 15th, but now claims that the breath test results were high because he burped before it was administered. Cronin also blamed the ignited marijuana joint in his car on a fart.
The Solution of the Month Award goes to Ontario Liberal party leader Dalton McGuinty, who suggested the banning of handguns in Canada after a student was stabbed with a knife. Sources say McGuinty is also looking to ban all use of logic in the country.
The Plea Bargain of the Month Award goes to Bobby James Allen, from Panama City, Florida, who was convicted of three counts of armed sexual battery. Allen then requested to be castrated in exchange for a redution of his life sentence to 25 years in prison. When asked how he felt about the impending procedure and then spending the following 25 years in jail, Allen responded, “It will be just like marriage.”
The Repealed Law of the Month Award goes to Los Altos Hills, California, which overturned a 51-year-old ban on pinball and claw machines in the city. “The fact that it was a misdemeanor, this seemed outdated and ridiculous,” said town planner Brian Froelich, adding that there is now a movement to repeal the city ordinance which prescribes death by a firing squad for playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
The Bust of the Month Award goes to police in Hackensack, New Jersey, where police found hard drives containing hundreds of thousands of pornographic images of underaged girls at the home of Graham Hurley. Police arrested Hurley and confiscated the hard drives, which are now being kept under their mattress.